When getting better feels frightening

Recently somebody asked: I've spent much of my life being ambitious, driven by a deep desire to earn the respect and approval of others. Yet it often feels as though the harder I've tried, the further away I've become from the life I wanted. I know something has to change, but that idea is also terrifying. If I build genuine self-esteem and stop depending on other people's approval, will I lose the very thing that's been driving me all these years? Will life start to feel even more pointless? If I forgive myself for my humiliating mistakes, will I also lose the caution that has stopped me from repeating them? And if I lower my expectations, does that mean I'm simply admitting that I'm not good enough? Sometimes it seems that every strategy that's supposed to fix these struggles might actually make them worse.

My reply was: I hear you. The only person in the world who really wants change is a wet baby!

But let me ask you a question: what if you don’t change? I help bright, thoughtful professionals resolve the internal patterns that keep them from fully expressing their potential. When they come to me, they feel exactly this way: stuck, running on self-criticism, overthinking everything, beating themselves up, feeling like their own worst enemy, maybe with unresolved issues from the past. I've spent years studying how the brain handles this kind of loop through coaching and network neuroscience. Here's what I've caught from your message: To be respected by others, try to start with self-respect. Respect your ambition. Can you fulfil your ambition without change? It seems you’ve already answered this question.

But what if you do change? Try to think about this question very carefully. Find a quiet place. Put yourself in as deeply relaxed state as you can. Let thoughts and sounds pass without evaluation. Just observe any thought that comes. For example: “Ah, here is a thought. I’m having a thought that getting more self-esteem may make my life pointless.”

Now ask: “Is this true? What proof do I have that this is true? What if it wasn’t true?”

Try to imagine you having the self-esteem, not needing approval of others. What does it give you? How do you feel? What do you see? What do you hear? What are others saying? What are you thinking?

Repeat for the next thought: “I’m having a thought that if I forgive myself for my mistakes, I’ll lose the caution that prevents me from repeating it.”

Now ask: “Is it true? Have I really tried to forgive myself? What if I did forgive myself? Would I forget the lessons learned?”

Repeat for the next thought: “I’m having a thought that if I lower my expectations, it means that I’m admitting that I’m not good enough.”

Ask: “What are my expectations, really? Could I slice it down into smaller steps?”

When you start a journey, you need to know where are you going. Imagin a car trip. You have a car, where do you want to go? It’s far, you can’t see all the way to your destination. But you can see the first milestone. Drive toward that, you can do that. It’s a small achievement and you can celebrate. You’ve achieved something, savour it. Then look at the next milestone and repeat. Do you know how to eat an elephant? Little by little! Take it easy, relax into it, take tiny little baby steps and you’ll get there.

I’ll give you a metaphor for your thought “If I fix my problems, it will make them worse.” Say you have a water leak in the house, like I had recently. The wall downstairs is wet, wallpaper starts falling off, black mould starts forming on the wall, it stinks, you keep thinking about what if the ceiling falls, what if water bursts out of the wall, what if the whole first floor collapses… mould is getting worse, hole in the ceiling appears downstairs… Finally, you call a plumber. He finds it’s just a leaky toilet pipe. He fixes it. Didn’t cost too much. Wall is dry. No ceiling falls. Did you resolve the problem, or did it make it worse? You still have the wallpaper to refit and the small hole in the ceiling to fix. Maybe you think: “I should have done this long time ago.” But the ceiling didn’t fall, the pipe didn’t burst. All is well. If you would like to go deeper and resolve these thoughts quicker and for good, let’s talk.